When in Rome, Do as the Romans ---NOT

I stayed at a hotel with a friendly owner, concierge guy. He as always greeting me jovially when I arrived, made great suggestions on what to do, see and eat. When I came back from my days of exploring, I would sit with him and have a digestif and practice my Italian....more like listen to Italian because he was a chatterbox, but whatever, he seemed harmless. He was probably older than my father and being the helpful, friendly hotel-owner---harmless right?
It was my birthday while I was in Rome and he suggested we needed to “celebrate”. Ok, sure, a drink when I come back from exploring one day. My friends were in town too, so I was busy hanging out with them. The night before I was leaving to come back home, he suggested we “celebrate” before I left for good. Since I had no plans, I said sure and waited till he finished his shift so that we could dine together. No harm, like I said, he seemed harmless.
He took me to a restaurant that I had gone to for my birthday. The cute waiter remembered me and flirtatiously greeted me. I told my “old man dinner companion” I think the waiter might be flirting with me. You should have seen the jealously that came over his face. I was shocked and thought, uh-oh, this is going to get uncomfortable and weird. I think the waiter sensed it too because he sent a female colleague to serve us. Dinner was finally over and I just wanted to crawl into my hotel bed. I had come down with the flu to top it all off. In the car, my dinner companion says “Do you want to go to the hotel or you could come home with me. I have a big bed and I can make you a good cafe in the morning.”
Are you serious? This can’t be happening! Uh-oh, “Sorry, I misinterpreted this dinner celebration, sorry you are too old for me.” Did he actually think I would go home with him? Uh....one, way too old, but two, I am paying for a hotel room at HIS hotel, but I want to go sleep at his house? What?
Luckily, he didn’t make it more awkward than it already was, took me back to the hotel and I made my great escape to my room, locking the door tight. Thank god, I was leaving the next day.
When I got back to America, an Italian guy I met through my friends sends me an email saying “I called the hotel several times while you were there (our mutual friend gave him the number) because I wanted to see you and show you around. Too bad, I didn’t get a hold of you. I left messages.”
Huh? Whenever I came back to the hotel, I always stopped by the reception to say hi to my friendly owner and ask if anyone called for me. Some days no one called or other times, my female friend called. Never any messages from my new Italian suitor. Huh?
So much for harmless and friendly! The old geezer was screening my calls! Forza Italia!

Year of the Tiger? Is Cougar the North American Tiger?

No wonder women go for younger men! HIP HIP HURRAH to the COUGAR

I hate that term. My younger brothers have been calling me a ‘cougar’ since I was 28! I don’t even think they know what that term means…..but because they are married, younger and I am single and older, I must be a cougar. Apparently the definition of a cougar is: a woman who sexually pursues younger men, typically more than eight years her junior. The term appears to have been coined by Canadian website Cougardate.com and has been used in TV series, advertising and film. A new show called Cougar Town, explores the difficulty and stigma of many so-called "Cougars". (Have you seen it? I thought it was stupid at first, just as I thought Sex in the City was, but I gave them both a second chance, as I do most of my dates (haha) and now I love Sex in the City....can totally identify with it (being a combination of Samatha, Miranda and Carrie all rolled into one...) and as for Cougartown.....it is witty....and Courtney Cox’s boytoy is fab eye candy! ) Why do women go for younger men? Here is my theory: because men our age are fucked up! They have either:

i. Gotten out of a long relationship, are jaded and messed up, bringing up their exes into every sentence of your conversation with them. And don’t you hate this one: “You are so much like my Ex.” Yeah, sure buddy. That’s my aspiration in life….to be like your Ex….why are we having this conversation?

ii. Have small children and recently divorced… A.K.A. too much baggage for a single girl

iii. Completely jaded by the string of loony tune wacky women they have previously dated (usually way younger than them…no kidding they couldn’t relate and called them wacky…..what do you know when you are 20? )

iv. Are “embracing themselves”(What does that mean exactly??) and absolute flakes……I mean at 39, can’t you have your shit together? What is with the soul-searching? The job transition?, in between job? No job? or massive debt bullshit?…..men….get your shit together!

v. Like (i) and (iii) totally jaded and noncommittal because of getting out of LTR and just “want to have casual sex” but no commitment. Yeah ok…..no thanks!

vi. Our success intimidates them and so in conversations with them you can hear/feel the sneers and the slips of the tongues about your success…..sorry you are so insecure buddy.

vii. Oh yeah and the man in their 30s who has the body of a 50-year-old with the big beer belly…..come on men! You expect US, women to keep in shape and work out…….do some sit-ups! And it is so easy for men, they could just get out and go for a jog every day and within two weeks they are slim and trim……us women have to WORK at it….but no, they don’t give a shit……they sit on their computers and write internet ads! No pic no response!

So yeah……a young lad, buff, and a little innocent in the sense that he is not jaded by women (yet), thinks you are absolutely fascinating because you got your shit together, admires you and frankly you don’t want much from him except some attention and compliments, not to mention if he can satisfy us women sexually by being so eager and willing to please us in bedroom…….hell……..no wonder us women go for younger men!!!!!! They make us feel sexy, desirable and special! I haven’t yet gone for a younger man by the ‘cougar definition of 8 years my junior’, but after dating (i.ii.iii.iv.v. vi and vii.) with absolutely no luck and more frustration, the contemplation of the younger man and my theory makes me think, it is just where I need to find my next date!
Hip Hip Hurrah for the Year of Tiger/Cougar!
Roar!

A Man with "SOUL"

I had a hot friend from uni. We fooled around but that was it, never got to “it”. He got in touch with me recently. We caught up and it was like good old times. He said he was passing through town, we should get together. Great! He is fun, easy on the eyes, and SINGLE. Guess what? Me too!
I picked him up at the airport. He was as handsome as ever, complimentary to me, and we laughed all the way to my house. Definite chemistry and attraction going on. It’s been a while, and maybe I let this one get away—this was my second chance!
Good lovin’ couldn’t complain. It was when the conversation got all weird. He wears a chain with some symbol on it. I asked him about it. Oops. He got into this new-age religious spiel saying I don’t understand because I don’t believe, yada yada. Alright, alright, can we talk about something else?

Him:

“I’ve got a soulsister.”

Me:

"You’ve got a What? You only have a brother, I know that much."

Him:

“I have a soulsister, she lives in the States, somewhere in the Southwest.”

Me:

"Reeeeally? How did you meet your soulsister?"

Him:

"Oh I have known her for years. She MSNed me one day."

Me:

"Ahhh huh. Have you met your soulsister?"

Him:

"No—we email, text, she is married and she is a millionaire. "

Me:

"Ahh huh. Have you seen what your soulsister looks like?"

Him:

"Yeah, I have pictures of her on my laptop, wanna see?"

You bet I want to see Soulsista with the special powers brought to you by MSN! Show me!

Ok, now my friend is dark, handsome, and comes from a background of Middle-eastern, Mediterranean decent, so I could imagine he might identify with a little sorcery—witchcraft type stuff and have a soulsister who maybe looked the type—dark long hair, sharp nose, piercing dark eyes, you know Elvira type---NO!
Soulsister’s pic was a bodacious BLONDE PARTYING BAR STAR! Think Kesha in that video Tik Tok!

Me:

"That’s your soulsister?"

Him:

"Yeah....oh hey, I just got a text!"

Me:

"A text? Who is texting you at this time of night?"

Him:

"It’s her!"

Me:

"Oh really? What does she have to say?"

She says: “I can feel you. You are in the West.”

Him:

"You see! We have this special power thing going on, she didn’t know I was here."

Me:

"Uh huh. You guys really do have special powers. I’m tired. All this cosmic energy has exhausted me! Good nite."

Are you for Real? Seriously? How did you put your shoes on this morning?

I put up my own ad months back. I got lots of responses. I picked out a few, corresponded and met some men. Here’s is a good one. He wrote something simple and seemed genuine. He sent a pic and he looked alright. I wrote back, we exchanged emails a few times. 38, single, full time dad (yikes but hell…it is the age, and well at least he was in the kid’s life, and he was straight up about it) He gave me his phone number. I called him. He seemed friendly…but red flags and alarm bells started zinging all over the show…… laid off, not working, hated his parents, his dad was a drunk and beat him…yikes, and that is why he is so adamant about being in his own kid’s life……then says something about his kids…

"Whoa….I thought you said you have a son, did you just say kids with an “s”?"

"Oh yeah, I have a 12-year-old daughter, but I don't see her because she lives with her mother, and her mother is a nutbar."

Seeing red! Ring Ring!

" How about the mother of your son?"

"Oh yeah, she is a nutbar too."

Hmmmm…this is not sounding good here. Too nutty.

"I gotta go."

A few days later he wrote me, saying he had such a great time talking me, he felt there was a connection, so he would really love to meet me. I wrote back saying, although he seemed every nice, he sounded like he just had too much going on and no time for me, so sorry I don’t want to be on the back burner…it’s not you, it’s me.
He wrote back saying I took the wind out of his sails and please would I give him a chance…ahhhh fine, I'll have to break it to him face to face that this won't work. I suggested he meet me for lunch at the mall. I gave him two days as options; he picked one, we set it up. I went to the mall…I thought I was going to be late, hustled my butt over there thinking I was keeping someone waiting. No one. (and I wasn’t late, I was on the dot, on time….where the hell was he? Pet peeve, lateness…you are meeting me for the first time, plus you practically begged me to meet you…try to be on time!) I ordered my food, sat down and scoured the crowd for someone who looked like he was looking for someone. No one. I lost my appetite, threw my lunch in the garbage and left…didn’t I tell him, he had too much going on?

Later that day when I got home from work, expecting an email from him, but found none, I wrote him saying: I was there, where were you? Listen, I told you that you seemed to have too much going on and this just proved you do. I am sorry, I am done.

He never wrote back for days……then I get an email:

Ok, first I want to apologize profusely and hope you will forgive me. Please let me explain. We were supposed to meet on Monday. Do you remember me telling you sometimes I don’t know what day it is? Well, I got up on Tuesday, thinking all day that it was Monday, taking my time primping for you before lunch, excited about our lunch date when I realized…..it was Tuesday! I am so sorry I missed our date. Can you give me another chance?

You are kidding, right? You don’t know what day it is? All day Monday you thought it was Sunday? How did your son get to school? How do you put your shoes on in the morning?

Dealbreaker: Men with Food Issues

All women and men have ‘deal breakers’. My deal breaker is a man with food issues.

I thought it was women who had the love/hate relationship with food, but I am not one of them. I love food. And I am not fat. I don’t use food to comfort my sadness (I have other vices ha ha). I think food is a social thing. Anyway, here are some men I have met with food issues.

1. A man taking diet pills because he doesn’t want to get fat---he was totally slim! But then I find out my Nutella is all gone in the cupboard after a time he spent at my house!!!!!! Hmmmmmmmm look who is binging!


2. A guy who invites me out to a fancy restaurant on the first date only for him to announce he can’t eat anything on the menu because he is on a ‘special diet’!!!!! And then proceeds to talk for the first 45 minutes about all the weight he has lost. Why didn’t invite me to go bowling if he couldn’t eat????


3. Another guy---super cute---met him at the bar---tell him my deal breaker and he laughs…why does he laugh so hard? Cuz he is a VEGAN. Great just great……what the hell do you eat when you are a vegan? I totally admire that dedication to food and preparation as he explained in detail; however, it just seems like too much work to me…and what if I have a hankering for bacon and eggs one morning?

So much for compatibility!

Points for Originality

He was good from far but far from good. What the hell, a girl could work with that and he seemed to have a personality. We started talking, getting to know each other. He would call me every night and we would have chat. The conversations were fun and funny. He had mentioned early on in the week that he would like to take me out for dinner. I said I would like that. So we talk all through the week, and as the weekend approaches, there is no follow up on this ‘date’. I call him on it.

“Do you want to see me or do you just want this phone relationship because it is now the weekend but you haven’t suggested we get together?”

His response:

"I am the same person on the phone as I am in person."

(In my head, I am thinking…uh let me be the judge of that! I mean in a social situation you see a person’s social etiquette—does he look you in the eye when he talks, does he hold his fork like an ax-murderer, is he polite to the server, does he stick you with the bill at the end, etc etc.)

So I told him:

“ I would like to see you in person.”

He says

“ok, but I have to go out of town tonight; I’ll be back on Wednesday.”

No problem I say

“We’ll get together then.”

I thought nothing of it, and I went out with my girlfriends. I got home around midnight that night and call it women’s intuition, but I had this gnawing feeling he was in town. So I called his cell phone because if he had been on the plane like he said he would be, the phone would have been off. It wasn’t. It rang and he answered it. I lost it.

“I knew it, I just had this feeling you were in town, call me crazy or whatever but I knew you weren’t on a plane! What’s your deal? Where are you?”

Him:

“at the airport waiting for my flight”

Me:

“Oh yeah, what’s your flight number?”

He responded by saying: “I am not going to have this conversation with you. I was in a relationship for 7 years with a girl who was always jealous, so no I will not explain or have this conversation with you.”

CLICK.

He hung up on me. Fine! I could care less, I found my answer, a weirdo and a liar. Sunday comes along and I get a text: Have you calmed down yet? I am back in town (Remember he said he would be out of town till Wednesday).
Have I calmed down????
Uh let’s see—I fired off a text : No I haven’t fucking calmed down, I am livid! (He hated when I used the F-word. I used it for emphasis haha.) He writes back and says he wants to explain. Ok, so I may be a hot head, but I am not a bitch so I let him explain.

Here is his explanation:
His flight was delayed; when I called, he was in the airport washroom taking a dump (yeah he said that!) and there was a guy in the stall beside chuckling because he could hear me ranting so he got flustered and hung up on me!

Gotta give the guy points for originality in the story! So, yeah I listened to the explanation but said “I forgive you, but don’t think I can forget. This just seems so drama filled, too much for my liking.” Sayonara

And Women are Bitchy?

Met a dude online. Met for lunch, he looked NOTHING like his pictures but whatever, he was ok and we had lots of similarities. We had a very nice date. We starting dating for about two weeks. Then one day we were together and I asked him about his day at work. He snapped at me and said “CAN WE NOT TALK ABOUT THIS!” I was taken aback and said “why not?” His answer: “CUZ WE WILL JUST FIGHT AND YOU WOULDN’T UNDERSTAND ANYWAYS.” Huh? First, we haven’t fought yet and buddy, it has only been two weeks, I am just trying to get to know you. Needless to say, in my head, I was DONE LIKE DINNER. Never called him again after that and neither did he so I was relieved. Then a month later: “I miss having sangria with you”. I wrote back: “Me too, but it seemed so complicated when it should have been so easy”. Shouldn’t it have? I mean, come on, who talks to people like that? So he didn’t respond to that text till a week later. This is what it said: “Ok, so if dating is too complicated for us, can we be Friends with Benefits?” Uh……..should I be flattered or insulted? Being a girl, I am both! Hahaha. I didn’t write back though.

Some funny responses from internet dating

One situation: This is after I sent him a pic.

“I am gonna have to be brutal honest with you ----- I don’t find you attractive and it shouldn’t come as an insult or anything negative because I believe we all have our own counterparts but in my world you are a 4”


Thanks buddy. Now you really fucking wounded me and all my chances of internet dating. Like, did he NEED TO RATE ME?????? I only get 4????? LOL

But after I sent it to all my friends, I felt better. I got one response from a friend who suggested I should respond to this loser by saying :
"Buddy, I am gonna have to be brutal honest with you----I don't think you have any class and it shouldn't come as an insult or anything negative because I believe we all have our own counterparts but in my world I rate you a 2 as a human being"

Priceless!

My other friend suggested I respond with:
"Oh.. ok.. thanks .. I am a 4 ! Wow..
But let me ask you.. ARE YOU FOR REAL..?? Do you seriously RATE the fotos you get.. ahahahahahahahah.. wow.. you have managed to find a mechanical way to miss out on all the finer things in life.. glad you believe that you can rate a person's character and soul from a picture.. ahaha.. thanks for that.. you really cheered me up and made my day. When I woke up this morning.. I never knew someone would make me laugh so hard.. thank you."

and then under your breath you sigh.. and say to yourself.. LOOOSER

Again, Priceless! I have great friends!

Another situation:

After I had gone out with him on a date, he called me a ‘cougar’ told me he already told his mom about me and she asked “what’s wrong with her” and he told me he had a foot fetish ….DEAL BREAKER. I tried to let him down nicely and graciously on email the next day when he sent me an email telling me I need to send him my phone number right now, etc etc with the demands…..I said thanks but no thanks…..his response:
“May I suggest you get a cat, or two or three….” Fucker.

How about this:

"Thanks for your picture, but you are really not my type. I have some single friends, maybe I could pass your picture around?” What the fuck? Am I some cheap Ho you can just pass on to your buddies because you don’t like what you see……UH NO!!!!!! Fucker……NO THANKS!

Internet dating must have been invented by men!

I mean seriously………what is up with internet dating? A place where you can send out an ad, specify your sexual needs and fantasies and sit back and wait for women to send pics? What happened to just going to the bloody bar? The internet, a place for lazy, cheap men to send out an ad requiring and mentioning their ‘specs’ for a woman, only to sit back and wait for the responses and pics without any wooing, courting or flirting. Or….to send out some witty request that sounds a little intelligent only to find out he is a fat slob or dweeb good with words because he reads but has no friends or other interests because he is always on the internet? Sheesh, I won’t even get into the ads from men that are one-liners full of spelling mistakes or missing capitals and punctuation. I just wonder…do they REALLY get any responses? ..OR….a great place to meet women because frankly my theory is there are way more single and established women out there than there are men, so it is a place for men to have ‘control’ of the situation, to make demands, not put out any cash to wine and dine us or woo us, but to say, ‘no pic-- no response”. And frankly……what does a pic mean anyway? It surely isn’t worth a thousand words. I have heard it from both sides. Not ONE man I have met on the internet looked like his picture. I hardly recognized them in person after a few exchanges of pics. I do have to say that I was pleasantly surprised a few times….but lucky for them that I was giving them a chance because the pic they sent me, wasn’t anything to write home about! And men have told me the same that women have put pics on that don’t look like them. So why bother? Just meet me for coffee and see if you see what you like AS A PERSON……all that other shit comes later if there is some stimulating spark. And besides, you won’t even have to buy my coffee since it isn’t a DATE and we met on the internet!…sheesh.